I’ve thought about forgiveness a lot over the years.
I was raised Catholic, and the confessional was a big part of my life, especially around the age of twelve, when weekly trips to the darkened cubicle at the back of the church formed a part of my regular routine. This ritual also wove it’s way through my closest friendship at the time. Wendy and I spent a good portion of “confession day” discussing our sins and transgressions, comparing our darkest secrets, and making lists to recite to the priest.
At twelve, I confessed to adultery. Having run out of sins – how much sinning could a twelve year old do in the space of seven days? – Wendy and I had split the ten commandments, each taking five. The priest asked my age after I rattled off the list, assuring me that I couldn’t possibly have committed adultery, but acquiescing when I insisted. He instructed me to say one decade of the rosary and granted me absolution.
This memory sticks with me, one of many that are etched into my very being. When understanding finally came, many years later, I reflected on the irony of this moment. By age twelve, “adultery”, in the form of abuse, had been a part of my life for ten years already.
Wherever I turn, people are espousing the benefits, the necessity, of forgiveness to enable us to move forward and heal from abuse, from the wrongs that have been inflicted upon us by others.
I have a problem with this, other than the fact that I was absolved of the sin of adultery at age twelve.
Historically, forgiveness means to grant pardon, it’s a transaction between two people, one who is the offender and the one who has been offended. Forgiveness assumes that the perpetrator will in some way atone for their actions, there is retribution of some sort. The meaning may have evolved somewhat over time, but the synonyms remain: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, disregard, ignore….
In the case of those of us who have experienced abuse, we are told that we will never be whole, never begin to heal, never move on, until we have forgiven the perpetrator/s. The perpetrator is not a part of this equation, need not so much as acknowledge any wrongdoing. Having to forgive, makes the victim responsible, not only for the harm that was inflicted upon them, but also, if we want to get back to the biblical, the soul of the person who is culpable.
That’s an awful lot for society to ask. That’s a steep price to demand for “healing”.
Too much, I say. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is yet another form of abuse.
If a victim is expected to forgive, without any acknowledgement of wrongdoing by their abuser, what is the message we are giving?
You are responsible, forgive them.
You will never move on, forgive them
Your pain is not valid, forgive them.
You will only everbe whole if youforgive them.
You will burn in hell if you don’t forgive them.
You will never find peace if you don’t forgive them.
Your abuse was not that bad, forgive them.
Let me be clear, the implication is that the victim, who has already had untold pain and misery heaped upon them, will continue to suffer for all eternity if they do not actively forgive the person who is responsible for this pain and suffering, while the perpetrator does….
…..n o t h i n g;
goes on with their life.
I think it’s time mental health professionals, religious leaders and society in general rethink the “advice” they’re giving to abuse and sexual violence survivors. Words are important. They frame our experience of the world, and the word forgiveness is too weighted. Too heavy a burden to carry.
I have moved on, without forgiveness. I have found peace, without forgiveness. Forgiveness is between those who abused me and their god. It has nothing to do with me, or with my healing journey.
The truth is, your healing has nothing at all to do with any other person, including those who have harmed you. And that’s liberating.
I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to fold the fitted sheet that is my life. If you’ve ever tried to fold a fitted sheet, you know exactly what I mean.
I’ve been thinking about identity and self care.
Self care is such an overused phrase right now. Everywhere you look women are talking about self care. Everything being sold to us is advertised as self care.
Why is it so difficult to prioritise our own needs?
It’s a complex question, with a very complex answer. There are all sorts of historical reasons why women put themselves last on the list, but looking at this through the lense of trauma, it is apparent to me that fundamentally self-care requires us to have good, strong boundaries.
Self care is a natural outcome of developing good boundaries.
Self care is about making choices. Choosing one thing over another, choosing what to say yes to and what to say no to. Without good boundaries, we are not able to make good choices.
Digging a little deeper, we can only develop good boundaries if we have a good understanding of who we are, if we are grounded in our own identity.
Trauma shatters our identity. Whatever the source of our trauma, it affects us on an identity level. If the trauma occurs in childhood, we build our identities on top of the trauma, making whatever that experience was, the foundation of who we are. We develop a fractured sense of self, with no understanding or awareness of boundaries.
Trauma violates our boundaries. This can happen all at once or incrementally, depending on the trauma event or events. Again, in the case of childhood trauma, these boundaries may not have had an opportunity to develop at all.
Our personal boundaries provide a container for processing what is acceptable and what is not. When that container has been violated or destroyed, we can lose our sense of self to the point of not knowing where we begin and the other ends. (The other being partners, friends, family, community etc.) There is no sense of self.
How then, are we able to practice self care? We can go through the motions of ticking the boxes on superficial acts of self care – bubble bath, manicure etc. But these are like putting a band aid on an amputation.
I’m not saying don’t do the self care suggestions, I’m saying that self care goes deeper than this and you shouldn’t beat yourself up if some days you feel that even the basic advice on self care is just too much.
Acknowledging this is an act of self care in itself. Sometimes just doing what you can to survive the day is self care!
Yesterday I popped into the store after I dropped my son off at work.
Who am I kidding? There’s no “popping in” to the store anymore. Halfway to the door I realised I didn’t have a mask, I turned around and headed back to the car. In the cubbie, I keep a packet of “just in case” masks. I usually wear a cloth mask, I have three or four, but who knows where those had disappeared to. “Treat them like your underwear,” they say. Well, whoever “they” are, they clearly don’t understand my relationship to the humble brassiere. My bras are to be found, or not, in the strangest places around my house as I discard them in frustration as soon as is politely possible. Much like my reading glasses, they have even been found everywhere, including in my car. No, not due to any excitingly passionate encounter, merely due to my discomfort with confinement.
So, back to the mask. I grabbed a white and blue medical grade impostor from the sealed packet in my cubbie and looped the elastic bands around my ears, fiddling with the nose piece to try and create a snug fit under my glasses. Clearly an impossibility, as I should already have learned. In frustration I ripped the glasses from my face as my creepily warm breath escaped over the top of the mask, creating a fog that rendered them useless.
Now, before any of you jump up and down offering remedies for keeping my glasses fog free, step back and keep quiet. It’s been a while now, do you really think I haven’t scoured the internet and picked the brains of everyone I know, and don’t know, to find a solution? Do you think I haven’t tried every single one of the suggestions? Trust me. Those surgeons who spend 48 hours in a mask performing miraculous, life saving surgery are wearing medical grade masks. These are not available to us mere mortals. The shit they’re selling us ordinary folk is the same quality as the ridiculous disposable underwear they provide before said life saving surgery!
Anyhow, I digress. Stumbling through the door to the store, which was now disturbingly out of focus, I made my way toward the trolleys. Now, I usually shop at a different store, but since this one was just around the corner from where I’d dropped my son, I’d gone for convenience. Convenience. Hah! A thing of the past. Hunting through my purse for the coin I kept aside for the trolley, my breath feeling hotter and hotter on my face, I seized the little sucker and attempted to shove it into the trolley slot. No go. Different supermarket, different coin. Why the fluff??? Is there any logical reason for this? This is not a rhetorical question. I’m really interested in speaking to whatever person or group, of men I’d assume, came up with this decision. Give me two minutes in a room with them. I’m already wearing the mask, all I need is a blunt object.
I turned in frustration and grabbed a basket. The mask had now ridden up my face and was half covering my eyes. Hot breath on my eyeballs. I closed them. Readjusted the mask. I saw the vague, blurred outline of the disinfection station to my left. Fluff it, I thought as I clutched the basked in one hand and my purse and shopping bags in the other. I made my way in the direction of the bakery section. From what I could make out there were two men unpacking fresh bread onto the shelves. No way to get close… Hot breath on my face I began to feel beads of perspiration pop out on my forehead.
I turned the corner toward the fridges. I needed milk and cheese, but the mask was riding up my face again. Tucking the shopping bags and my purse under my arm. I grabbed what I assumed was a three litre milk and placed it in the basket.
Hot breath coming all the quicker. Flash back, hands on mouth, pillow over face… I could now feel my heart rate increase, and the hand clutching the handle of the basket was slick with sweat. I wanted to adjust the mask again, it was half covering my eyes, but I now had a packet of grated cheese in my hand. I had no idea if it was cheddar or mozzarella, or a combination. I dropped it into the basked.
I was becoming disoriented. Hot breath out, shallow breaths in, flashes of memories. I could feel the palpitations starting. I have not had a panic attack, or suffered PTSD symptoms for a number of years, but here I was, about to lose my shit right here in this store.
I flung a couple more things into the basket, turned, bumped into the fridge; the basket dropped, spilling contents. I fell to my knees, heart pounding, an ocean in my ears. Hot breath engulfing me I pulled the mask down from my eyes, clutched wildly at the items on the floor, throwing them back into the basket.
I was now fighting for breath, the back of my neck was ice cold, my heart was hammering wildly in my chest, skipping every few beats. I stood.
My observing mind, the one I’ve cultivated and nurtured through years of meditation, watched silently, then spoke in measured tones… “You know what to do,” she said. “You need to ground yourself. Just breathe.”
“You think I can fluffing breathe?” I screamed back, outwardly silent, aware of my hot breath, my cold neck, the whooshing sound in my ears. The shopping basket was still on the ground, my palms too sweaty to grasp the handle.
I stumbled up the isle, in what I hoped was the direction of the exit, mask riding up my face again. Bursting out into the damp air I ripped it off, taking big gulps of fresh air. Trying desperately not to hyperventilate, I made my way, on now very shaky legs, to the car.
It took several minutes before I was able to focus enough to press the button to unlock it. I collapsed behind the wheel. Head back against the headrest. I tried to slow my breathing, tried to calm my hammering heart. I wiped my palms on my thighs, leaving dark, wet marks on my jeans.
It was a good half hour before I was able to drive.
I’m sharing this for all of you who suffer from PTSD and/or anxiety, and also for those who don’t. These are not normal times. As much as we may believe that we are okay, and for the most part, we may be, our bodies react out of their own memories of trauma. The things we learned in order to cope, will be challenged. This doesn’t mean you are regressing in your healing, it doesn’t mean you are failing. It means that we are reacting to abnormal times, abnormal stimuli. Your coping skills will be severely challenged.
Do whatever you have to to keep yourself safe, but mostly, know that you are not alone. We’re all struggling. To those who are managing better than others, be kind, stop the judgement. You have no idea what people are dealing with. My own PTSD and panic attacks are the result of childhood trauma and rape. Even if you’ve known me for decades, you may not be aware of this. It’s not something one shares in casual conversation. It’s not a secret, it’s just a part of my life. I have learned how to counteract and manage my body and my mind’s reaction to external situations; but there are instances when I have little control over that reaction.
To those of you for whom this is a foreign concept, just understand that you are making judgements about people without having all the facts. Your default setting should be kindness.
There are days when things are just more difficult. Days when I am bone tired. The kind of tired that is not accounted for by lack of sleep or busyness. It’s the kind of exhaustion you can only really understand if you live with a chronic illness.
I take care of myself well, and I try to do the things I’m supposed to do, and for the most part, I’m good. I’m fortunate enough to have conquered the feelings of hopelessness, and certainly don’t consider myself to be depressed. But some days are hard…
Today is one of those days. The pain and exhaustion have caught up. I count myself lucky when these flare ups fall on a weekend and I don’t have to force myself to perform. I don’t have to struggle to lift my leaden limbs and force my clouded brain to clarity. I don’t have to smile and respond with, “I’m fine.”
Sunday’s are good. I can kick back and let my body rest. I can stay in my pyjamas, although, to be perfectly honest, I don’t really need an excuse to stay in PJs.
This listening to my body is not something I’ve always done. To my detriment, it turned out. If you don’t listen to your body, it eventually forces you to do so; and mine did. Several times. So now I try to honour the not so subtle nudges. I ignore the guilt of chores not done. I ignore the, possibly in my own head, judgements of “laziness”. I tune out the “should be’s”. I try to rest, knowing that resting is not restorative. That this is something I just have to ride out. Today is a hard day, coming at the end of a pretty good week, so I’m not complaining. I’m listening to my body. I’m taking it easy, which may not seem any different to an outsider since I am not overtly active at the best of times. What it means is that I am disengaging mentally too… not thinking, not planning, just being. Waiting for this particular wave to pass, and hoping it does so before Monday arrives.
There are so many different levels of trauma response being enacted right now. Yes, this is a global trauma event. In fact, it is a series of trauma events making up the “big event”.
There’s a double domino effect taking place. Increasing and stricter measures being put in place by governments to “flatten the curve”, and the global scale domino effect of one country after another imposing these measures.
The emotional toll that this is taking cannot be underestimated. Trauma is a full body experience. The world is in fight or flight mode, our collective pulses racing, adrenaline flooding and poised for action. However, the only action we can take is effectively inaction. This classically results in trauma responses.
Panic buying
Lashing out on social media
ANXIETY (hugely amplified because it’s a collective experience, and anxiety is infectious)
Insomnia
Nightmares
Headaches
Racing thoughts
Inability to concentrate … the list goes on
I cannot stress enough the importance of recognising what we are going through right now and finding ways to mitigate the effects. Yes, we are worried about our health, our loved ones, our businesses, our finances, schooling our children. The unknown drives anxiety. Our brains make up stories about what the outcomes will look like.
The truth is, none of us knows. There is no certainly, there is no way of knowing how each of our individual situations will be impacted by this.
For our own well being, but even more importantly, for the well being of our children, we need to process what’s happening. We have a choice in how we will come out of the other end of this, emotionally. While there are no guarantees around the health and the financial consequences of COVID-19, I can guarantee that if we, as individuals, do not take the time to understand and process the resulting trauma, this will have far reaching consequences on our mental health and the mental health of our children.
While our bodies are responding to this threat with a fight or flight response, our minds respond with intense emotions including anger and fear. In normal circumstances, once the threat has passed, our bodies and minds slowly relax and return to normal function. When the trauma is ongoing, and things do not return to normal fairly quickly, we remain hyper alert and on edge, which can lead us to feel overwhelmed. This can result in dysfunction resulting in Complex Trauma.
We know that traumatic events can create complex changes to both the psychological as well as the physiological experience. This, in turn, may lead to Complex Post Traumatic Stress. (Herman, 2015)
The trauma we’re experiencing as a result of COVID-19 can be exacerbated by the necessity of social distancing and in some cases, isolation.
So how do we avoid the traumatic fallout of COVID-19?
Here are some things for you to consider.
Acceptance and Reaching Out
Well, the first step, as with most things, is acceptance of the situation. Easier said than done, I know.
“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
Now, more than ever, it is important to talk about how you are feeling. I know that this may not be possible in person, but reach out via technology, either to a trusted friend or family member or in an online support group.
One of the most powerful ways I know of processing trauma is through writing. It’s something I’ve done from an extremely young age. Writing has been my saviour in my adult years as I processed CSA and various other deeply traumatic experiences. It is the reason I facilitate writing workshops for women who have experienced trauma. So if there is some reason why you are not able to express your feelings to another person, I encourage you to write your feelings. Begin a journal during this time. Don’t think about what you are writing, just sit down once a day and put whatever thoughts you have down on paper. Articulating your experiences impacts both your body and your mind by changing where and how an experience is stored in your brain.
If you have children, encourage them to speak about how they are feeling. Acknowledge their feelings. Have them write a story about how they are feeling, or draw a picture. This is a healthy way of processing what they are going through.
Structure
Try to keep to some kind of structure, bed times, waking up times, meal times. BUT, don’t be too rigid.
There is so much stress around home schooling and making sure children stay up to date with their learning. I disagree with this somewhat. There are so many ways for children to learn. Yes, if your child is in high school and coming up for exams, they need to keep up their studies and make sure that they prepare. But parents are not teachers, and your children need parenting more than anything right now. It needs to be apparent to them that you, as the parent figure, are primarily there to nurture, to support and to provide unconditional love and support. If you are too stressed out about the schooling aspect of being in quarantine, this WILL negatively affect your child.
Yes, routine is important, have learning time, but remember, this is a stressful enough situation without trying to do a perfect job. Don’t try to duplicate the school day. Let things slide a little. Play games, have fun. Make sure that your children’s memories of this time are not all about your stress about school work and insisting that they complete worksheets. Schooling will catch up, the whole world is in the same situation. It’s a time to slow down and find a different rhythm.
If you don’t have children, the same applies. Have time set aside to work, if you are fortunate enough to be working from home. Make a list of all the things you always said you didn’t have time to do. Do them. Meditation is a great thing to fit into your daily structure.
Self Care
How many of us neglect self care in the course of our everyday lives?
Now, more than ever before, you have the time…
Nurture your body. Turn up the music and dance! Activity releases endorphins which make us feel better.
Clean out those cupboards, rearrange the furniture, deep clean your home, do some gardening.
Remember, your mind and your body work together. The more active you are, the less anxious you’ll feel. Activity will help with your sleep patterns too.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a term that has been bandied about, sometimes arbitrarily, over the last number of years, but what is it really?
Mindfulness has grown out of Eastern practices of meditation. It is a way of slowing down the body and the mind. It brings your awareness into the here and now and is a powerful way of alleviating the stress brought about by worrying about the past and the future.
The here and now is really all we have. This moment. The past is over, the future is unknown. What we do in this moment is our reality.
Mindfulness requires being fully present in the moment. Engaging all our senses in experiencing where we are and what we’re currently doing.
It takes practice, and it’s not easy in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives when we are rushing to and fro. The situation we find ourselves in now, is a perfect opportunity to practice mindfulness and make it an integral part of our lives.
You can do so by slowing down (we have no choice right now) and noticing where we are and what is around us.
Close your eyes. Engage your senses. Notice the sounds. Notice the smells. Pay attention to the tactile experience… what do you feel, what is the temperature?
When you open your eyes, what do you see, notice the details of your surroundings.
This is not going to be an easy time, but for your own sake’s and for the sake of your children if you have them, let’s take a breath. Pause. Accept what is. We have no choices right now beyond our actions and reactions to the situation.
Let’s make sure that the stories we tell in the future are not about the fear, the anxiety and the stress, but about the things we learned, about ourselves, and about others. Let those stories reflect the resilience of the human spirit and how we rallied together in the face of an uncertain future and in the midst of our collective trauma and discovered ways of connection that transcended the physical.
This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Cookie settingsACCEPT
Privacy & Cookies Policy
Privacy Overview
This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience.
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
Recent Comments