6 Ways to Begin to Break Trauma Bonds

by | Jul 24, 2022 | Trauma

 

Most of us who are, or have been, trauma bonded in a relationship (and this doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship) suffered abuse in childhood. Safety in our childhood, meant finding a way to live with the abusive situation. There were few options open to us as children.

Therapy helps us to challenge and process the narrative of our lives, our beliefs, our experiences and the stories we cobbled together, in order to make sense of it. 

These things take time to process. Your brain was wired to survival and to the tactics you employed to survive abuse. In other words your brain was wired to live with the abuse. Very often, if the abuse was perpetrated by a parent, caregiver or trusted adult, abuse is equated to love. You may consciously know this is not true, but your brain and nervous system has not caught up to that, your body is still responding out of your survival instinct. 

Staying in, or slipping back to into, a trauma bond is a form of denial. On some level, even if you know better, you are hoping for a better and different outcome from the relationship. 

So how to you break this? 

As always the first step is to discuss this with your therapist, but here are some things that are helpful to work on: 

1. Confront the reality of the situation


Make a record of everything that happens in the relationship. Write it all down, every little  detail. Write this as a factual account, not an emotive account, both the good and the bad.

By doing this you will be able to see any patterns that emerge. The act of writing things down as a factual record allows your brain to process it differently than if you just think about it or list things in your mind.

2. Tune in to your emotions

Abuse causes causes our nervous systems to become dysregulated, we experience a rollercoaster of numbness and heightened emotion. There is very little level ground. Real feelings are tucked away, out of reach.

You might find yourself exploding in anger or frustration, crying uncontrollably, feeling out of control, or you might completely shut down and cut yourself off from feeling.

Learning to regulate and tune in to our real emotions is key to healing.

Key to doing this is to learn to tune in to our feelings and name them. It can be a slow process, and it may be better to work together with a safe person.

You can begin by stoping what you are doing, several times a day, to check in with yourself:

Place your hand on your chest and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Use the emotion wheel to help you.

Check in with your body… are you tense? Where is the tension? Is your breathing deep or shallow? How does the emotion or emotions you have identified feel in your body? Where do you feel it in your body?

Practice this every day.

(If you need extra assistance working with nervous system dysregulation, using an integrated somatic approach, feel free to contact me and let’s chat)
 

3. Flip the script/change the narrative.


We all have stories that we craft, subconsciously, that help us to make sense of our circumstance. It’s part of our survival. Our internal narratives are how we process and give meaning to the world and to ourselves.

Reframing our stories and changing the narrative does not change history, or negate our experiences, rather it provides a different perspective. The stories we tell ourselves are invariably from our own perspective, our own way of seeing things and “languaging” our lives.

To flip the script, try looking ahead to your future self, five, ten, twenty years into the future. What would she tell you in she were witnessing your life, your circumstance, your relationships right now?

How about your past self? The child you used to be? What would she say?

This exercise can be a useful starting point to reframing the way we view our situation and may help provide perspective to allow us to make changes or seek assistance. 

Trauma fractures our identity, our sense of self, and we can further lose ourSELVES in trauma bonds. We enmesh ourselves with the other, engulfed in the intensity of the rollercoaster emotions. Taking a step back to view things from our past or future selves, or even from another person’s perspective, can begin to connect us back to ourselves, however briefly, and help to shift the narrative.

 

4. Get off the rollercoaster


Trauma bonds are kept alive and strengthened through the intensity of emotional (and sometimes physical) conflict.

Step back and disengage. I know this isn’t easy, but you have to stop being reactive. Stop using the word “you” as the antagonist in your responses, and replace it with “I” sentences. For example, instead of :

“You’re making me feel ______;

You are being unfair;…”

use sentences like:

“I feel ________ when you_______;

I feel that this is unfair.”

(It takes a lot of practice, I know.)

 

5. Don’t play the blame game


You will never get an admission of wrongdoing from an abusive person. There will never be accountability or an acceptance of responsibility. Stop asking for explanations. Stop asking them to take responsibility or to admit to anything. You cannot change another person. Not ever. If you are engaging in a ranting exchange expecting to be heard or to have them come over to your point of view, to see you, you’re wasting your time. It’s that simple.

Step away and take a time out. Call a friend. Go and journal. Walk around the block. Lock yourself in the bathroom.

 

6. Get support


Dealing with any of this is virtually impossible to do alone. You need someone on the outside to support you. Someone who is not invested in the outcome of your choices. Going it alone will be overwhelming. Do whatever is within your power to get support.
 

Ways to work with me:

White Glove Mentoring: One to one bespoke mentoring, with actionable strategies and clear, directed guidance.
Self Paced Healing: Sometimes we just need time and space alone…
Writing Circles and Drop in Classes

Free Facebook Group: Women in the Arena – Daring to Heal 💕
A safe community for women where we can share our stories, if we choose to, and support one another without judgement; to meet each other where we are. A place to connect, learn, grow and heal through our experiences.

Thoughts and Prayers are Not Enough

by | Feb 27, 2022 | Trauma

This is not okay! Another generation of children that will grow up with trauma.

Coming out of the pandemic, I cannot imagine the collective and individual toll this is taking.

More than ever, let’s practice kindness and be extra gently with people. “Thoughts and prayers” are the standard, response, and by all means send thoughts and prayers if you’e that way inclined, but do something tangible too.

Globalcitizen.org has some suggestions on their website, and Together Rising is a trusted organisation that has real impact.

In your own sphere of influence, you can do things that have a ripple effect for humanity:

👉 Practice patience and kindness both in person and int he online spaces..

👉 Understand that everyone is dealing with their own version of trauma, so be gentle and compassionate.

👉 Speak to your children about the things that are happening in the world, don’t let them be blindsided by second hand information and rumour, that creates fear and anxiety – they’re still dealing with the fact that the world has dramatically changed in the wake of COVID, this is a lot to carry.

👉 Work on your own trauma, empower yourself and be the navigator of your own healing journey. This builds resilience and has a knock on effect on those around you.

👉 I’ve discovered that several towns around Ireland are collecting things like sleeping bags, bottled water etc. that will be transported to organisations that are in a position to get them to where they need to be. Search your community groups to see if something similar is being done where you live.

👉 Get involved in the political arena in your own country and hold your politicians accountable in whatever avenues are available to you, be that advocacy or supporting volunteer organisations..

Forgiveness is NOT Your Responsibility

by | Sep 21, 2021 | Mental Health, My Journey, Trauma

I’ve thought about forgiveness a lot over the years.

I was raised Catholic, and the confessional was a big part of my life, especially around the age of twelve, when weekly trips to the darkened cubicle at the back of the church formed a part of my regular routine. This ritual also wove it’s way through my closest friendship at the time. Wendy and I spent a good portion of “confession day” discussing our sins and transgressions, comparing our darkest secrets, and making lists to recite to the priest.

At twelve, I confessed to adultery. Having run out of sins – how much sinning could a twelve year old do in the space of seven days? –  Wendy and I had split the ten commandments, each taking five. The priest asked my age after I rattled off the list, assuring me that I couldn’t possibly have committed adultery, but acquiescing when I insisted. He instructed me to say one decade of the rosary and granted me absolution.

This memory sticks with me, one of many that are etched into my very being. When understanding finally came, many years later, I reflected on the irony of this moment. By age twelve, “adultery”, in the form of abuse, had been a part of my life for ten years already.

Wherever I turn, people are espousing the benefits, the necessity, of forgiveness to enable us to move forward and heal from abuse, from the wrongs that have been inflicted upon us by others.

I have a problem with this, other than the fact that I was absolved of the sin of adultery at age twelve.

Historically, forgiveness means to grant pardon, it’s a transaction between two people, one who is the offender and the one who has been offended. Forgiveness assumes that the perpetrator will in some way atone for their actions, there is retribution of some sort. The meaning may have evolved somewhat over time, but the synonyms remain: pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, disregard, ignore….

In the case of those of us who have experienced abuse, we are told that we will never be whole, never begin to heal, never move on, until we have forgiven the perpetrator/s. The perpetrator is not a part of this equation, need not so much as acknowledge any wrongdoing.  Having to forgive, makes the victim responsible, not only for the harm that was inflicted upon them, but also, if we want to get back to the biblical, the soul of the person who is culpable.

That’s an awful lot for society to ask. That’s a steep price to demand for “healing”.

Too much, I say. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is yet another form of abuse.

If a victim is expected to forgive, without any acknowledgement of wrongdoing by their abuser, what is the message we are giving?

  • You are responsible, forgive them.
  • You will never move on, forgive them
  • Your pain is not valid, forgive them.
  • You will only ever be whole if you  forgive them.
  • You will burn in hell if you don’t forgive them.
  • You will never find peace if you don’t forgive them.
  • Your abuse was not that bad, forgive them.

Let me be clear, the implication is that the victim, who has already had untold pain and misery heaped upon them, will continue to suffer for all eternity if they do not actively forgive the person who is responsible for this pain and suffering, while the perpetrator does….

…..n o t h i n g;

goes on with their life.

I think it’s time mental health professionals, religious leaders and society in general rethink the “advice” they’re giving to abuse and sexual violence survivors.  Words are important. They frame our experience of the world, and the word forgiveness is too weighted. Too heavy a burden to carry.

I have moved on, without forgiveness. I have found peace, without forgiveness. Forgiveness is between those who abused me and their god. It has nothing to do with me, or with my healing journey.  

The truth is, your healing has nothing at all to do with any other person, including those who have harmed you. And that’s liberating.