Most of us who are, or have been, trauma bonded in a relationship (and this doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship) suffered abuse in childhood. Safety in our childhood, meant finding a way to live with the abusive situation. There were few options open to us as children.
Therapy helps us to challenge and process the narrative of our lives, our beliefs, our experiences and the stories we cobbled together, in order to make sense of it.
These things take time to process. Your brain was wired to survival and to the tactics you employed to survive abuse. In other words your brain was wired to live with the abuse. Very often, if the abuse was perpetrated by a parent, caregiver or trusted adult, abuse is equated to love. You may consciously know this is not true, but your brain and nervous system has not caught up to that, your body is still responding out of your survival instinct.
Staying in, or slipping back to into, a trauma bond is a form of denial. On some level, even if you know better, you are hoping for a better and different outcome from the relationship.
So how to you break this?
As always the first step is to discuss this with your therapist, but here are some things that are helpful to work on:
1. Confront the reality of the situation
Make a record of everything that happens in the relationship. Write it all down, every little detail. Write this as a factual account, not an emotive account, both the good and the bad.
By doing this you will be able to see any patterns that emerge. The act of writing things down as a factual record allows your brain to process it differently than if you just think about it or list things in your mind.
2. Tune in to your emotions
Abuse causes causes our nervous systems to become dysregulated, we experience a rollercoaster of numbness and heightened emotion. There is very little level ground. Real feelings are tucked away, out of reach.
You might find yourself exploding in anger or frustration, crying uncontrollably, feeling out of control, or you might completely shut down and cut yourself off from feeling.
Learning to regulate and tune in to our real emotions is key to healing.
Key to doing this is to learn to tune in to our feelings and name them. It can be a slow process, and it may be better to work together with a safe person.
You can begin by stoping what you are doing, several times a day, to check in with yourself:
Place your hand on your chest and ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Use the emotion wheel to help you.
Check in with your body… are you tense? Where is the tension? Is your breathing deep or shallow? How does the emotion or emotions you have identified feel in your body? Where do you feel it in your body?
Practice this every day.
(If you need extra assistance working with nervous system dysregulation, using an integrated somatic approach, feel free to contact me and let’s chat)
3. Flip the script/change the narrative.
We all have stories that we craft, subconsciously, that help us to make sense of our circumstance. It’s part of our survival. Our internal narratives are how we process and give meaning to the world and to ourselves.
Reframing our stories and changing the narrative does not change history, or negate our experiences, rather it provides a different perspective. The stories we tell ourselves are invariably from our own perspective, our own way of seeing things and “languaging” our lives.
To flip the script, try looking ahead to your future self, five, ten, twenty years into the future. What would she tell you in she were witnessing your life, your circumstance, your relationships right now?
How about your past self? The child you used to be? What would she say?
This exercise can be a useful starting point to reframing the way we view our situation and may help provide perspective to allow us to make changes or seek assistance.
Trauma fractures our identity, our sense of self, and we can further lose ourSELVES in trauma bonds. We enmesh ourselves with the other, engulfed in the intensity of the rollercoaster emotions. Taking a step back to view things from our past or future selves, or even from another person’s perspective, can begin to connect us back to ourselves, however briefly, and help to shift the narrative.
4. Get off the rollercoaster
Trauma bonds are kept alive and strengthened through the intensity of emotional (and sometimes physical) conflict.
Step back and disengage. I know this isn’t easy, but you have to stop being reactive. Stop using the word “you” as the antagonist in your responses, and replace it with “I” sentences. For example, instead of :
“You’re making me feel ______;
You are being unfair;…”
use sentences like:
“I feel ________ when you_______;
I feel that this is unfair.”
(It takes a lot of practice, I know.)
5. Don’t play the blame game
You will never get an admission of wrongdoing from an abusive person. There will never be accountability or an acceptance of responsibility. Stop asking for explanations. Stop asking them to take responsibility or to admit to anything. You cannot change another person. Not ever. If you are engaging in a ranting exchange expecting to be heard or to have them come over to your point of view, to see you, you’re wasting your time. It’s that simple.
Step away and take a time out. Call a friend. Go and journal. Walk around the block. Lock yourself in the bathroom.
6. Get support
Dealing with any of this is virtually impossible to do alone. You need someone on the outside to support you. Someone who is not invested in the outcome of your choices. Going it alone will be overwhelming. Do whatever is within your power to get support.
Ways to work with me:
White Glove Mentoring: One to one bespoke mentoring, with actionable strategies and clear, directed guidance.
Self Paced Healing: Sometimes we just need time and space alone…
Writing Circles and Drop in Classes
Free Facebook Group: Women in the Arena – Daring to Heal 💕
A safe community for women where we can share our stories, if we choose to, and support one another without judgement; to meet each other where we are. A place to connect, learn, grow and heal through our experiences.
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